Beautiful Belly Laughs Midwifery

"We have a secret in our culture, and it's not that birth is painful;
it's that women are strong." -Laura Stavoe Harm

My soap Box

You asked me what?

Posted by jazminprice on June 8, 2011 at 9:14 AM

Well what a busy spring it has been! It seems I have been on the road at least 3 days each week since March and I ( and my van) are tired! Right now we have a nice little lull  until the four moms due in june begin to kick our butts!

I thought I would take this time to add a new post and I might warn you this is tongue in cheek, everything is true but names, dates and locations have been changed to protect the... innocent! Even my name has been changed I am now referenced as "Stupid Midwife"!

So here are some recent questions/statements I have been asked or told... Yup they are all true (and I am sure more seniors would have many more comical questions/statements!)!

  1. My mother/father/ in-law really hates the idea of home birth but I want them at the birth is that OK?
  2. I had a deal withy another midwife but she can't attend me any more, would you honor our deal minus her cut?
  3. I am having headaches, vision disturbances and I am so tired is there a pill for that? Stupid midwife says "what did you eat today?" response "nothing" (it's 3pm)
  4. Are you a Christian? I don't think you are Christian enough...
  5. Are you a Pagan? I don't think you are Pagan enough...
  6. Would you work with this other midwife? I'm paying her and you would then come free!
  7. Can we set up a consultation... Stupid Midewife "Sure" when I arrive... "What questions do you guys have?" response "None!"
  8. Would you do this birth for a goat?
  9. Do you bring any equipment to births?
  10. For the money I am paying you guys could you baby sit my kids?
  11. I told her you would go to her birth and do doula work for free!
  12. I want to be a midwife but it is so hard having a little baby to train, once I have more kids I am sure it will be MUCH easier!
  13. I know this has been a hard (apprecticship path) for you, but could you make it easier for me?
  14. I understand you require ABC and I totally understand because that all applied to me in my previous pregnancies but could you waive ALL those for me?
  15. I know you are on vacation and going out of town/it's a major holiday and your kids birthday but could I call you just incase you are free to come to my birth? And could you do it for free?
  16. Do I have to see you during my pregnancy?
  17. I know XYZ is life saving but I don't want you to do them unless you really need to (sarcastic thought from the Stupid Midwife "So what should I do if you are only kind of needing lifesaving skills?")
  18. It's Saturday 430am and the Stupid Midwife is sleeping... the bat phone rings "Good morning STupid Midwife, I know it's early but you said I could call if I needed to and I can't find what page the birth supplies are listed on in the book you gave me..." Stupid Midwife responds "uhm... you are only 20 weeks preggo why do you need the supply list" Moms response "well I just got worried I wouldn't be able to get everything in time and I know you said it's in here but I can't find it..." SM response "page 7 under the header "birth supply list"" Mom "oh yup I see it now thanks now I feel better"- so glad you do...
  19. I know you said no sugar foods but I didn't know that included table sugar, honey, fruit, soda, maple syrup and candy.
  20. Why should I get rid of this raging yeast infection before the baby is born?
  21. "So when I come to your house could you not have your kids there? they distract you from me and I need this to be all about me"... Stupid Midwife response "but you made your appointment last minute, my little two were sleeping and my big two were watching a movie, this was distracting to you?" mom's response "well I felt like your thoughts were with them not with me..." {BLINK BLINK BLINK}...
  22. I know my BP/pulse hemoglobin/ protein intake/caloric intake etc is high/low but I think you should change your protocols to include variances for me... {SIGH}
  23. I know you drove 3 hours to come to my appointment so I wouldn't have to drive to you, but you are 30 minutes late and I now have to take my kids to skating/swiming/dance/art etc so I can't make our appointment...
  24. Can we do my prenatal at 8pm?
  25. You require me to eat?
  26. I am a doula (and an expecting mother) can I rent your pool to your clients to make some money?
  27. I am a doula (and an expecting mother) can you tell me your dietary recommendations so i can advise my clients?
  28. I know I have had 5 ultrasounds and my OB always uses a doppler but I am REALLY concerned about the ill effects of the sounds waves on unborn babies, can you just use a fetascope? 
  29. "I don't want the cord cut until it stops pulsating" Stupid Midwife responds "OK great that is my protocol" mom's response "Can you tell me why I don't want it cut?"

And the list goes on... so I thought most of these were easy to answer but they aren't! We all are after an ideal birth experience and in conversating with these moms all these questions/statements made sense. Looking back they gave me much to ponder, giggle over and really see the moms I am working for and with.

But I have to wonder how many of these questions would these moms ask an OB? And then how many Ob's would answer them? I don't mind questions, infact I love them! It helps give me a glimpse into the moms I am working with. But sometimes I wonder... Do you know I have only once been asked whether or not I was trained to resusitate a newborn, maybe two familes have asked about my ability to deal with a post partum bleed.

And when  it's my turn to ask questions (after I have been asked everything from my religion to what age I started my menses) I ask what their OB's c-section rate/induction rate and they usually will respond "I didn't think to ask that" {BLINK BLINK BLINK}...

I post this very lightly, all my mom's are important, valid and are worth answering. That doesn't mean they are amusing!

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Reply Sarah Gurganus
5:32 PM on June 8, 2011 
Hi Jazmin!
You say that these questions really help you see the moms--I appreciate that you take the time to care. This posting really helps us moms see you, the midwife, so thanks for offering your perspective.
Thanks for answering all our questions, especially the stupid ones.
And I'd like you to deliver my next baby in exchange for a donkey.
Reply jazmin
1:23 PM on June 9, 2011 
Sarah! Just so you know I am the proud new owner of two beautiful milk goats due to come tmy home in July! :)